idBlog
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Every night...
Every night is full of regret for all of the ways that I have failed. Failing to knock more things off my list... Failing to do anything substantially different than the day before... Failing to correct my self-destructive behaviors despite knowing what they are and knowing how to stop... Failing again and again and anxious about failing again tomorrow.
I'm getting fatter by eating the same junk while sitting and watching the same TV. I'm getting more tired in clothes that fit tighter and tighter while I wonder yet again where my window of time to exercise is supposed to be in my day. Feeling like I am in free fall, looking for a foothold to slow my descent. Instead of making significant, sustained changes, I take solace in the temporary joy of a sugary treat. Then I sit motionless in a stupor punctuated only by worries and self-inflicted recriminations.
Every damn night: a slow-motion panic attack brought on by crushing guilt for falling short of what I want to do, what I believe I can do, and beset by my painful awareness of all the things that I am not doing. This clarity usually accompanies a frenzy of ambitious planning, imagining how to do things differently and fantasizing, with a rush of psychic energy, that I could somehow cram to catch up and eliminate the massive backlog of unburned calories, fat cells and undone tasks.
The feelings of anxiety and guilt go away slowly, burning out as I sleep. In the morning I wake up wishing I had gone to bed earlier, so I could have gotten more sleep and felt more rested so that I could have risen early and exercised and got to work early to plow through my mountain of things that are overdue and unresolved. It is a foolish wish after 7am, when I am already running behind and my prior night of desperate depression has made a bigger chunk of sleep impossible. But at least I have some more energy to make some headway in a few things before lunch if I don't get too distracted by email or the dirtiness of the house. I'll often forget to eat lunch because I am on such a roll making progress on stuff that has needed to be done. Eventually I'll eat a late lunch, then try to finish a few more things before I run out of energy and have to go home. Then I find something to eat, somehow, and try to get the kids to bed without too much drama. Finally, I start the every-night cycle of anxious sadness and regret all over again, having repeated the same mistakes and habits that I've performed thousands of times before ... Effortlessly.
I'm getting fatter by eating the same junk while sitting and watching the same TV. I'm getting more tired in clothes that fit tighter and tighter while I wonder yet again where my window of time to exercise is supposed to be in my day. Feeling like I am in free fall, looking for a foothold to slow my descent. Instead of making significant, sustained changes, I take solace in the temporary joy of a sugary treat. Then I sit motionless in a stupor punctuated only by worries and self-inflicted recriminations.
Every damn night: a slow-motion panic attack brought on by crushing guilt for falling short of what I want to do, what I believe I can do, and beset by my painful awareness of all the things that I am not doing. This clarity usually accompanies a frenzy of ambitious planning, imagining how to do things differently and fantasizing, with a rush of psychic energy, that I could somehow cram to catch up and eliminate the massive backlog of unburned calories, fat cells and undone tasks.
The feelings of anxiety and guilt go away slowly, burning out as I sleep. In the morning I wake up wishing I had gone to bed earlier, so I could have gotten more sleep and felt more rested so that I could have risen early and exercised and got to work early to plow through my mountain of things that are overdue and unresolved. It is a foolish wish after 7am, when I am already running behind and my prior night of desperate depression has made a bigger chunk of sleep impossible. But at least I have some more energy to make some headway in a few things before lunch if I don't get too distracted by email or the dirtiness of the house. I'll often forget to eat lunch because I am on such a roll making progress on stuff that has needed to be done. Eventually I'll eat a late lunch, then try to finish a few more things before I run out of energy and have to go home. Then I find something to eat, somehow, and try to get the kids to bed without too much drama. Finally, I start the every-night cycle of anxious sadness and regret all over again, having repeated the same mistakes and habits that I've performed thousands of times before ... Effortlessly.
Labels: Musing
posted @ 7:19 AM
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
Experimental guest-post from my sisters from 2008
2/9/08
5 things I want...(25 yr old female)
-Lose weight and get healthy/active
-Find a better paying job w/ growth potential in a field I enjoy
-Take more risks
-Make more time to focus, meditate and manifest my life's happiness
-Read more.
5 things I want... (16 yr old female)
-My family to be happy
-Get into a good college
-Travel
-Have more confidence...in everything
-To have good, long lasting friends
*Check back in 4 months. (June 9th, 2008)
What do YOU want?
5 things I want...(25 yr old female)
-Lose weight and get healthy/active
-Find a better paying job w/ growth potential in a field I enjoy
-Take more risks
-Make more time to focus, meditate and manifest my life's happiness
-Read more.
5 things I want... (16 yr old female)
-My family to be happy
-Get into a good college
-Travel
-Have more confidence...in everything
-To have good, long lasting friends
*Check back in 4 months. (June 9th, 2008)
What do YOU want?
Labels: Mo
posted @ 7:20 PM
New HP Chromebook 14
Got this new laptop with ChromeOS on Sunday for just over $300. I thought I'd be able to use it as my own while the kids occupied every other device in the house. Turns out that Maggie loves this thing. It may be just because it's new, or because it's white and pretty. But whatever the reason, she gets on it whenever she can.
This is my first time using it for the purpose that was intended. I have to get better at cracking open a new blog post page and just writing. I'm still getting used to all of the little nuances of the ChromeOS and how it works. I'm routinely surprised by how many little shortcuts and conventions I take for granted in Windows. But I still find this eminently usable. Time will tell if the money invested in this little device will be worth it.
This is my first time using it for the purpose that was intended. I have to get better at cracking open a new blog post page and just writing. I'm still getting used to all of the little nuances of the ChromeOS and how it works. I'm routinely surprised by how many little shortcuts and conventions I take for granted in Windows. But I still find this eminently usable. Time will tell if the money invested in this little device will be worth it.
Labels: Musing
posted @ 7:16 PM
