"So why write about it at all?", one might ask. Therefore, I pose the question rhetorically for my own purposes... The answer is probably the same as why I write about "what am I doing with my life?" sorts of questions: by expressing the thoughts on a page, the feelings are made manifest and therefore more tangible and controllable. I feel a sense of control when I can articulate my thoughts. If something can be said clearly, then it must be possible to understand it. If a problem or series of symptoms can be well understood, then a solution or a cure cannot be far off, right? Or so my thinking goes...
Writing about my feelings of failure does nothing to make me feel like less of a failure. Quite the opposite, really... analytical reporting exercises like this are more about wallowing self-pity and self-flagellation than about any real resolution to change my feelings. Other than a brief surge of hope that comes with the feeling of control from putting words on a page, I don't understand my (or anyone's) tendency to want to expose one's thoughts to the universe through language. Does saying (or writing) something out loud - outside of one's quietly simmering head-soup of thoughts - really have any impact on one's ability to cope with those thoughts and feelings? I could see where reading that someone else feels the way that I do could have a comforting and confirming effect on me. But then why do I bother to write for myself? I'm certainly not expressing this stuff in the hopes that I make someone else feel better and I don't have any realistic expectation of having this be the start of a dialogue. Writing like this is little more than me talking to myself.
Labels: Musing
posted @ 1:01 PM
"What do I want to do?"
I mainly want to do work that I like. "Work that I like" includes virtually any activity where I can wrestle with communicating clearly and convincingly. I like writing analytical prose, having searching discussions with one or more persons, and graphically representing relationships and other quantitative and qualitative information.
Those may sound like pretty generic descriptions of things to do. But ever since I decided to pursue a degree in philosophy, I've known that searching for and illuminating meaning in this world is just what I do.
As long as I can find an environment where I can do that work, does it matter who I work for, or what long term goals my productivity is supporting? This is another way of asking my central question...
There are a number of other related questions to answer:
- Am I doing the sort of work that I want to do?
- If I know what I like to do, isn't it possible to do that work in almost any environment, for any company or client?
- If I can do fulfilling work for the DoD, what's wrong with that? Why not work for the DoD? What do I like and not like about working for a DoD client?
- What would I gain from being promoted to the next level? Why would I want to be promoted? Does being promoted allow me a greater or lesser opportunity to do the work I want to do?
- If being promoted does not increase my opportunity to do the work I want to do, then how should I steer my career? Is my current company the right environment for me to enjoy sustainable growth in the direction I choose? Does staying in this environment imply a choice to do whatever job approximates my desired work as long as I can be sufficiently compensated?
Labels: Musing
posted @ 9:48 PM
