Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Every night...
Every night is full of regret for all of the ways that I have failed. Failing to knock more things off my list... Failing to do anything substantially different than the day before... Failing to correct my self-destructive behaviors despite knowing what they are and knowing how to stop... Failing again and again and anxious about failing again tomorrow.
I'm getting fatter by eating the same junk while sitting and watching the same TV. I'm getting more tired in clothes that fit tighter and tighter while I wonder yet again where my window of time to exercise is supposed to be in my day. Feeling like I am in free fall, looking for a foothold to slow my descent. Instead of making significant, sustained changes, I take solace in the temporary joy of a sugary treat. Then I sit motionless in a stupor punctuated only by worries and self-inflicted recriminations.
Every damn night: a slow-motion panic attack brought on by crushing guilt for falling short of what I want to do, what I believe I can do, and beset by my painful awareness of all the things that I am not doing. This clarity usually accompanies a frenzy of ambitious planning, imagining how to do things differently and fantasizing, with a rush of psychic energy, that I could somehow cram to catch up and eliminate the massive backlog of unburned calories, fat cells and undone tasks.
The feelings of anxiety and guilt go away slowly, burning out as I sleep. In the morning I wake up wishing I had gone to bed earlier, so I could have gotten more sleep and felt more rested so that I could have risen early and exercised and got to work early to plow through my mountain of things that are overdue and unresolved. It is a foolish wish after 7am, when I am already running behind and my prior night of desperate depression has made a bigger chunk of sleep impossible. But at least I have some more energy to make some headway in a few things before lunch if I don't get too distracted by email or the dirtiness of the house. I'll often forget to eat lunch because I am on such a roll making progress on stuff that has needed to be done. Eventually I'll eat a late lunch, then try to finish a few more things before I run out of energy and have to go home. Then I find something to eat, somehow, and try to get the kids to bed without too much drama. Finally, I start the every-night cycle of anxious sadness and regret all over again, having repeated the same mistakes and habits that I've performed thousands of times before ... Effortlessly.
I'm getting fatter by eating the same junk while sitting and watching the same TV. I'm getting more tired in clothes that fit tighter and tighter while I wonder yet again where my window of time to exercise is supposed to be in my day. Feeling like I am in free fall, looking for a foothold to slow my descent. Instead of making significant, sustained changes, I take solace in the temporary joy of a sugary treat. Then I sit motionless in a stupor punctuated only by worries and self-inflicted recriminations.
Every damn night: a slow-motion panic attack brought on by crushing guilt for falling short of what I want to do, what I believe I can do, and beset by my painful awareness of all the things that I am not doing. This clarity usually accompanies a frenzy of ambitious planning, imagining how to do things differently and fantasizing, with a rush of psychic energy, that I could somehow cram to catch up and eliminate the massive backlog of unburned calories, fat cells and undone tasks.
The feelings of anxiety and guilt go away slowly, burning out as I sleep. In the morning I wake up wishing I had gone to bed earlier, so I could have gotten more sleep and felt more rested so that I could have risen early and exercised and got to work early to plow through my mountain of things that are overdue and unresolved. It is a foolish wish after 7am, when I am already running behind and my prior night of desperate depression has made a bigger chunk of sleep impossible. But at least I have some more energy to make some headway in a few things before lunch if I don't get too distracted by email or the dirtiness of the house. I'll often forget to eat lunch because I am on such a roll making progress on stuff that has needed to be done. Eventually I'll eat a late lunch, then try to finish a few more things before I run out of energy and have to go home. Then I find something to eat, somehow, and try to get the kids to bed without too much drama. Finally, I start the every-night cycle of anxious sadness and regret all over again, having repeated the same mistakes and habits that I've performed thousands of times before ... Effortlessly.
Labels: Musing
posted @ 7:19 AM
